faceholing: The creative destruction of unprotected facebook communities.

The hijacking of said communities for bizarre and surreal results.

1. Find a group with no admins
2. Join
3. Become admin
4. Change the picture, change the group name, description, etc
5. Post link here
6. I'm a penis addict

GOOGLEHACK INSTRUCTIONS:

Simple
Google hack (paste this line into google - use other words as modifiers as well if you like):

site:www.facebook.com "no admins left" Global

Advanced Googlehack:

site:www.facebook.com "Displaying 8 of X..Y" members "no admins left" Global

Where X is the minimum group size, and Y the maximum.

Add modifiers such as obama, arab, scientology, christ, etc for maximum I'm a penis addict.

Googlehack produces results that are a little out of date though

Please note:

WHEN YOU CHANGE THE NAME OF A GROUP
EVERYONE IN THE GROUP GETS NOTIFIED
CHANGE THE GROUP NAME LAST AND ONLY ONCE!

Make it funny - make it count



Some Examples:


Praying for Bolivia



Becomes "Hit Her all You Want, Women Don't Have Feelings"






A Canadian Radio Station



Becomes Native American Revenge






The Stewiacke Baptist Church





Becomes "My Beautiful Cervix"

It is Harmless Fun

It is harmless you say, a way to meet old friends and connect with people that are important to you. In a flash, you can get a quick update on what interesting people that you know are doing at this very moment. You can compare pop culture trends, comment on a Jean Luc Goddard film, and come to realize that Jimmy from high school has some pretty damn cool taste in music. Or you could just play seven degrees of Kevin Bacon with yourself. Damn, it is such a small world! If we are all connected, maybe we can end wars, feed Africa, and promote indie films and art!
Fuck you.
You are a bitch, and I am going to tell you exactly why.
Your behavior on Facebook is fucking infantile and vacuous. It is the same exact behavior exhibited by affluent teenage American girls- shallow, curt, and with a degree of zany color thrown in just for gags. It is virtual shopping. It is a tight little circle of similar tastes, fashion, opinions. It is gossip, and it is public for all to see. It reminds me of hanging out at the mall with my little girlfriends giggling about what Jimmy said about Suzy on her wall, and how wasted Sally looks in the photo that she was tagged in. It is a clique of the highest order, all uninvited outsiders be damned. You really only want to meet people through other people, just like real, perfect life. There will be no perverts keywording "Czech lesbians" and cruising for photos at random. No baby, not here. You get introduced through other friends or like-minded groups. Shit, there is even a suggestion panel, and an email search device that lets Facebook scour your Gmail account and harvest names of your future virtual best friends. The environment is so controlled, a perfect society- like the first year in college. Like an arranged marriage. Like prison. In a world where we are increasingly terrified of everything, Facebook is an oasis of calm and control in your scary, unpredictable universe.

Write on my wall?

I just had an ex-girlfriend write a somehow touching and heartfelt note on my wall. It was about how she really enjoyed our time together, and she didn't really understand what had happened with us; I just suddenly had another girlfriend. The problem is, THAT SHIT IS PERSONAL. I don't really want my work contacts to know how much of an actual, practicing asshole that I really am. Maybe they should get to know me slowly, like ummm, normal, before they are exposed to the kaleidoscope of perversions and misbehavior that any relationship is bound to be (especially with me). Shit man, I need to look at this Facebook thing every day to make sure that people don't write some fucked up embarrasing shit about me. I need to manage my profile. I must control the way that I am seen, the way that people perceive me. Like any society, we must be polite, well maintained, but somehow fun. But with Facebook, we become our own brand. Really, the way that the program operates is so shockingly similar to how a publicist handles a client, how an ad agency manages a new line of cosmetics; but with Facebook the client is you, the manager is you. You are your own public image, and baby, it takes hours to maintain and grow. Have a look at this link for this asshole Dan Schwabel and you will have some idea what I am saying. http://personalbrandingblog.wordpress.com/quote-me/
This is social networking, and this is serious business. We must, in this day and age, have an online presence that is approachable and makes you want to say "I want to do business with that guy", or "I want to fellate him because he is a fan of Sufjan Stevens and voted for Obama", maybe "He could be cool to pitch this project to". It reminds me of a quote by Guy Debord: "In societies where modern conditions of production prevail, all of life presents itself as an immense accumulation of spectacles. Everything that was directly lived has moved away into a representation." Debord called this shit, like, 80 years ago. Our forefathers slaved away, advancing each generation just a little bit, scrimping and saving and sacrificing so that our precious free time could be superpoke and food fling? Fuck me. Find me something real on Facebook and I will eat my shoe. Continue your virtual community circlejerk, your simulated society, your imaginary perfect pastel shaded teenie-bopper world with the unicorn wallpaper and The Cure on the stereo, you fucking fragile little bitches. Remember the "Choose Life" and "Frankie says Relax" shirts from the 80's? It didn't seem so patsy and gay at the time, right? It was just positive and life affirming. Well, just look at your Facebook profile from a distance and you will find your behavior to be as queer as a handbag filled with rainbows.

Poke me?

What in the fuck is poke? I can understand grope, but poke? Is it sexual? It seems somehow sexually charged, but oddly teenage; somehow timid and uncomfortable. It is PC, but physical, but not physical because it is virtual, but not somehow gay between buddies, but often mildly erotic between sexes, or silly within families, but playful. Face it, it is motherfucking vague. The last time you actually poked someone (for real) you were a pimply faced awkward doofus that masturbated 8 times a day. Poke me? Wash the semen off first. I prefer direct communication. I am an adult, and very happy to have the horror and doubt of youth behind me.

Simulated Labor

Select a chore? Really, you have got to be fucking kidding me. Are we so detached from reality that this is our entertainment? Do I really want to simulate picking up shit? And really, are dancing and kissing chores that require the allocation of energy points? My grandmother worked in a Polish sweatshop for fuck's sake. The energy cost of her backbreaking labor was probably a potato a day. How in the hell would I explain something like this to her? Try to imagine explaining all of this in one sentence to a visiting alien from outer space. "We like to pretend to work while we pretend to have virtual friends in our pretend community where we throw food, poke each other, and rate bad films". We would be their slaves, and they would certainly mistreat us because we are that stupid. Shit, if I can find a human that is so brain-dead and banal that they would voluntarily spend their waking leisure hours simulating the unclogging of a toilet on a computer, imagine what I could make him do for work.

Selling me Compatibility

Are we compatible? This is the biggie on Facebook. This is how we weed out the rubes. There are a million of these little games and surveys on Facebook, and they are all as exclusionary as your high school lunchroom table. They can be little nudge nudge wink winks, they can be silly shit like "what kind of dog are you", or it could be this vapid list of movie compatibility that has exactly ONE decent film on it (Donnie Darko). This fucking thing says that I am a terrible match with everyone. I just have no taste perhaps, or maybe something else is at play. Could it be a herd mentality? We must be witty and keep up our personal brand with the appropriate tastes. We are on stage, in our own reality show with Facebook, a star of our own vanity driven image of our perfect self. Taste is important you know. Otherwise our Facebook friends could be hillbillies, or worse, conservative. Why don't I have any black friends on Facebook? Exclusionary little bullshit games like this. The circle only includes aging hipsters of upper middle class leftest pseudo-intellectuals right? This all started in Harvard, so it must be smart and progressive, right? Wrong. This is all an advertisement, and your answers go to profiling you as a consumer. It exists to sell you things, see how you purchase, and profile your behavior so that other, more expensive forms of advertising will hit their mark (you) more effectively. And Fuck Harvard. They gave us the unibomber and Facebook in a span of less than 50 years.


Whopper Sacrifice. If I sacrifice 10 of my friends on Facebook, I get a free WHOPPER. Just install WHOPPER sacrifice on your Facebook profile, eliminate friends, and get rewarded with steroid injected, chemical laden beef disk. Hell, 55620 people have already done this so that means about a half a million friends were deleted and 20,000 lbs of beef were consumed. I can imagine losing 10 friends because of a cult, civil war or maybe heroin- but a WHOPPER? You people are pathetic sellouts, really. Is Satan himself working for this advertising agency? Maybe in the future if I murder 10 more prostitutes I could get a Chevy minivan for my white trash family from Facebook and GM. This is just sad and sociopathic. And fuck Burger King for preying on the hungry, weak and stupid masses. Is the economy really so bad that people are selling friends for burgers? I imagine the same demographic that is stupid enough to fall for this pitch is already employed by the fast food industry. Fuck everyone associated and participating in this.


Food Fling? Send surf? Send Art? Jesus fucking Christ, The Breakfast Club!

Lets address these one at a time:

Send surf: I live on the Pacific coast of Costa Rica. I get surf. Send me naked photos of Guatemalan nuns or midgets in bondage instead. Give me something exotic like videos of burning hippies or fights between crackheads.

Movies: Whoopie Spiderman! Hollywood makes banal trash. See what friends are saying? Yeah, my real friends like Harmony Korine films, or at least Kubrick. I doubt that this thinly veiled Hollywood advertisement covers my tastes.

Send Art: Really, none of you know jack-shit about art, we are not at a cocktail party or a gallery opening so don't fake it, you look like a fucking poser.

Movie Quizzes that my friends liked: If my friends are watching the Breakfast Club then I need to send them some LSD, a handgun and a collection of Todd Solondz films.



You will buy what we sell you, because we know who you are. Do you know about Wawa supermarkets? Apparently, one of my friends is a fan. Apparently, this act of friendship profiles me as someone who would enjoy the irony of enjoying Wawa, like a trucker hat or a Mount Sinclair Summer Camp vintage tee. Shit, I might just buy a burritto at Wawa, same as I might buy a John Deer mower to match my trucker hat. Irony is a pastime of the bourgeoisie. Find me a poor African kid with a sense of irony and I will be truly shocked. I have no taste for irony anymore, sorry. And your trucker hat ceased being ironic, like, 5 years ago. Now you just look like a retard.







Someone made me drink a Chinese Tsingtao!
Guess what? I detest most alchohol, especially shitty Chinese beer. I have never chugged, even when I was young enough to chug. I am just embarrassed by this, really. I am approaching 40. I don't want a Coketm and Meyerstm to get drunk with. I smoke marijuana, and there is no one sending me bonghits because there aren't companies marketing weed on Facebook. This shit is all about money, marketing, and your bonding to bullshit products. Really, open your fucking eyes. Do you really want all of your personal interactions to be laced with advertising? If I suck the meaty pipe of corporate America, you had best believe that I want to be paid. If I am forced to drink a shitty Tsingtao, I want to be paid well.


You will buy what we are selling because it will become a part of you. For example, I could give you the featured gift of a $10,000 Sunkist Brand ice cream float. Shit, a ten thousand dollar gift? I really won't feel so fucking financially raped when the real float costs me $6 at the restaurant. I am so Very Cherry? Is that a come on? Does it come with a blowjob? The Spirit is....ummm....what exactly? A film? Not bad for $10,000. I bet you assholes in the States wish that all the money that you lost was a virtual as this. Shit, don't you people want something tangible and real now that you have lost all of your money and homes? Your fucking virtual Very Cherry gift is as pointless as useful as the subvented, zero percent financing that you rubes bought into (unless it comes with that blowjob). Go back to masturbating to reality television. Don't you realize that ALL of this is an ADVERTISEMENT. Every last cute little cultural icon bit that you so deeply identify with. This data all goes to PROFILE you as a consumer, and let's face it, if your personal interaction has come to this deep low, then you are just a consumer- nothing more. Now huddle together like good little sheep and flick lighters and buy red Ipods to save Africa, because your lives have become so meaningless and devoid of personal power that your only legitimate form of expression is the shit that you buy. In this day and age, your taste and purchases define you as a person. Now kill yourself you sad, powerless, virtual fuck.

























Facebook Advertising.
Here it is, the motherfucking Wizard of Oz. This is what your precious Facebook is all about- corporate advertising. Psychographic filters? How about a form of mind control. Pavlov and BF Skinner would have a field day with this interactive form of classical conditioning. All of your little tastes, groups, likes and dislikes are charted and arranged so that you can be targeted. Your witty individuality is boxed up, sealed, and sold to the highest bidder. It seems like a free ride, but like the card that you swipe at the supermarket, the one that gives you free savings, it exists for the purpose of profiling and modifying your behavior. So, enjoy your perception of individuality because your virtual life is a fully packaged experience, and you just sold out a little bit more.