Are we compatible? This is the biggie on Facebook. This is how we weed out the rubes. There are a million of these little games and surveys on Facebook, and they are all as exclusionary as your high school lunchroom table. They can be little nudge nudge wink winks, they can be silly shit like "what kind of dog are you", or it could be this vapid list of movie compatibility that has exactly ONE decent film on it (Donnie Darko). This fucking thing says that I am a terrible match with everyone. I just have no taste perhaps, or maybe something else is at play. Could it be a herd mentality? We must be witty and keep up our personal brand with the appropriate tastes. We are on stage, in our own reality show with Facebook, a star of our own vanity driven image of our perfect self. Taste is important you know. Otherwise our Facebook friends could be hillbillies, or worse, conservative. Why don't I have any black friends on Facebook? Exclusionary little bullshit games like this. The circle only includes aging hipsters of upper middle class leftest pseudo-intellectuals right? This all started in Harvard, so it must be smart and progressive, right? Wrong. This is all an advertisement, and your answers go to profiling you as a consumer. It exists to sell you things, see how you purchase, and profile your behavior so that other, more expensive forms of advertising will hit their mark (you) more effectively. And Fuck Harvard. They gave us the unibomber and Facebook in a span of less than 50 years.
Whopper Sacrifice. If I sacrifice 10 of my friends on Facebook, I get a free WHOPPER. Just install WHOPPER sacrifice on your Facebook profile, eliminate friends, and get rewarded with steroid injected, chemical laden beef disk. Hell, 55620 people have already done this so that means about a half a million friends were deleted and 20,000 lbs of beef were consumed. I can imagine losing 10 friends because of a cult, civil war or maybe heroin- but a WHOPPER? You people are pathetic sellouts, really. Is Satan himself working for this advertising agency? Maybe in the future if I murder 10 more prostitutes I could get a Chevy minivan for my white trash family from Facebook and GM. This is just sad and sociopathic. And fuck Burger King for preying on the hungry, weak and stupid masses. Is the economy really so bad that people are selling friends for burgers? I imagine the same demographic that is stupid enough to fall for this pitch is already employed by the fast food industry. Fuck everyone associated and participating in this.
Food Fling? Send surf? Send Art? Jesus fucking Christ, The Breakfast Club!Lets address these one at a time:
Send surf: I live on the Pacific coast of Costa Rica. I get surf. Send me naked photos of Guatemalan nuns or midgets in bondage instead. Give me something exotic like videos of burning hippies or fights between crackheads.
Movies: Whoopie Spiderman! Hollywood makes banal trash. See what friends are saying? Yeah, my real friends like Harmony Korine films, or at least Kubrick. I doubt that this thinly veiled Hollywood advertisement covers my tastes.
Send Art: Really, none of you know jack-shit about art, we are not at a cocktail party or a gallery opening so don't fake it, you look like a fucking poser.
Movie Quizzes that my friends liked: If my friends are watching the Breakfast Club then I need to send them some LSD, a handgun and a collection of Todd Solondz films.
You will buy what we sell you, because we know who you are. Do you know about Wawa supermarkets? Apparently, one of my friends is a fan. Apparently, this act of friendship profiles me as someone who would enjoy the irony of enjoying Wawa, like a trucker hat or a Mount Sinclair Summer Camp vintage tee. Shit, I might just buy a burritto at Wawa, same as I might buy a John Deer mower to match my trucker hat. Irony is a pastime of the bourgeoisie. Find me a poor African kid with a sense of irony and I will be truly shocked. I have no taste for irony anymore, sorry. And your trucker hat ceased being ironic, like, 5 years ago. Now you just look like a retard.
Someone made me drink a Chinese Tsingtao!
Guess what? I detest most alchohol, especially shitty Chinese beer. I have never chugged, even when I was young enough to chug. I am just embarrassed by this, really. I am approaching 40. I don't want a Coketm and Meyerstm to get drunk with. I smoke marijuana, and there is no one sending me bonghits because there aren't companies marketing weed on Facebook. This shit is all about money, marketing, and your bonding to bullshit products. Really, open your fucking eyes. Do you really want all of your personal interactions to be laced with advertising? If I suck the meaty pipe of corporate America, you had best believe that I want to be paid. If I am forced to drink a shitty Tsingtao, I want to be paid well.
You will buy what we are selling because it will become a part of you. For example, I could give you the featured gift of a $10,000 Sunkist Brand ice cream float. Shit, a ten thousand dollar gift? I really won't feel so fucking financially raped when the real float costs me $6 at the restaurant. I am so Very Cherry? Is that a come on? Does it come with a blowjob? The Spirit is....ummm....what exactly? A film? Not bad for $10,000. I bet you assholes in the States wish that all the money that you lost was a virtual as this. Shit, don't you people want something tangible and real now that you have lost all of your money and homes? Your fucking virtual Very Cherry gift is as pointless as useful as the subvented, zero percent financing that you rubes bought into (unless it comes with that blowjob). Go back to masturbating to reality television. Don't you realize that ALL of this is an ADVERTISEMENT. Every last cute little cultural icon bit that you so deeply identify with. This data all goes to PROFILE you as a consumer, and let's face it, if your personal interaction has come to this deep low, then you are just a consumer- nothing more. Now huddle together like good little sheep and flick lighters and buy red Ipods to save Africa, because your lives have become so meaningless and devoid of personal power that your only legitimate form of expression is the shit that you buy. In this day and age, your taste and purchases define you as a person. Now kill yourself you sad, powerless, virtual fuck.
Facebook Advertising.
Here it is, the motherfucking Wizard of Oz. This is what your precious Facebook is all about- corporate advertising. Psychographic filters? How about a form of mind control. Pavlov and BF Skinner would have a field day with this interactive form of classical conditioning. All of your little tastes, groups, likes and dislikes are charted and arranged so that you can be targeted. Your witty individuality is boxed up, sealed, and sold to the highest bidder. It seems like a free ride, but like the card that you swipe at the supermarket, the one that gives you free savings, it exists for the purpose of profiling and modifying your behavior. So, enjoy your perception of individuality because your virtual life is a fully packaged experience, and you just sold out a little bit more.
